The Cantankerous Duo
by Killer Crozz
Summary: Join our favourite angry redneck midget and his cowardly drakolops companion as they travel Runeterra to claim more land for themselves. And eat tacos. Lots of tacos. A series of oneshots in a chronological order.


AN: Well… I noticed an extreme lack of Kled stories. It is either connected to the fact that he is relatively new as a champion, or people just don't know what to do with him. Whichever the reason is, I have decided: why should I not post one? I love Kled and I want to start seeing more Kled stories that do him justice. Of course, I hope I do him justice as well.

Now, I have to make somethings clear. First off, it's KLED. Expect the unexpected, lots of cursing as well and let us not forget bad grammar, seriously, 90% of grammar mistakes will be on purpose. It's not just me being an uneducated idiot… most of the time. There is 10% that will be by accident and for those I am sorry.

Secondly, Skaarl is said to be female by the rioters that were on Kled character design and for that reason Skaarl is female in here as well. And Skaarl will talk, not because she can, but because Kled thinks (hallucinates) that she does. For this reason, only Kled can "hear" Skaarl.

Thirdly, this is rated M for the following reasons: cursing (fuck load of cursing motherfuckers), violence, violent threats, murder, theft, drug abuse etc. All in all, lots of reasons that I hopefully can sum up in one word: Kled.

Finally, I do write in my free time (that is not much mind you), but that doesn't make me a good writer since I never get feedback because I don't post it (that sentence sounds weird, might have messed that one up). Anyways, this will be the first time I will post something I plan on continuing, but it depends on the feedback. Please, do leave a comment or a PM and tell me how I am doing. I'm not saying tell me I am complete garbage and that I should hang myself, I am asking for you to tell me where I went wrong and where I went right. Thank you in advance.

I don't own League of Legends nor their characters. The image is also owned by Riot Games.

"Normal talk."

" **Yelling Kled talk."**

" _Skaarl talk."_

* * *

 _You can't deep fry courage._

 _ **KLED POV  
**_

* * *

Another day on the northern plains. Prickly shrubs. Harsh winds. Killin' trespassers.

"Running away aren't you? **No one runs away from me!** "

I seriously do not get why trespassers be trespassin'. I mean, I made sure that no matter who you are, what language you speak, what colour you bleed, you'd understand that you don't go fucking around in my territory. Were skulls, "STAY AWAY" signs and death threats not enough? What about various corpses that Skaarl was too full to eat? Or did I forget to put up new signs again? Shit. Still, I think any sane man would run if they saw a bloodthirsty yordle carrying an axe and riding on an immortal dumb lizard.

Maybe they aren't sane? Wait… what would that make me? Ya know what, let's just call 'em a bunch of fucking retards and move along.

My mind springs back into the fight, where only a few of Noxians are left alive and are currently runnin' away. Now usually I would ride Skaarl and give the lot of 'em an axe in the skull, however that bag of flees left me almost at the start of the god damned fight! She is not going to get a celebrationary taco. No she ain't! Oh great, now they are running away even faster. **Fucking hell**. Now I didn't kill 'em all. Fucking cowardly lizard, I was looking forward to killing them all!

" **This lands belongs to me! Anyone that states otherwise will wake up one day and see that they family are dead, house on fire and a hole is in their FUCKING CHEST!** "

That ought to keep them out of my land! At least for a week.

And oh look who decided to show up now! With a happy chirp the god damned lizard ran right at me… and knocked me on my ass. "Where have you been you cowardly shit!?"

I yell at her in anger. But I know that it won't last long. She just looks at me with her best puppy eyes. Now puppy eyes ain't cute, but damn it, Skaarl knows her shit. She looks so adorable with those big eyes, her arms to her body, body lowered to practically lying on the ground and looking up at me. I swear on my hat, she looks as if she is one second away from cryin'. And while it don't break my heart, she manages to calm me, I see that she is sorry, but she's just afraid to fight. We both know that she don't really want to abandon me forever, we've been in this shit through thick an' thin. The good an' the bad. In sickness and wealth.

Well fuck, I sound like I' m married to her. Might as well be, she acts like a pregnant woman. Always wanting tacos, has an instinct to keep out of danger, tears up at emotional shit before breakin' down and cryin'.

Holy fucking hell she really acts like she's married to me! Well beside the obvious lack of kissing and fucking and all that fuckery. What would kissing a lizard even be like? Urgh... I know the things Skaarl puts in her mouth, I'ds rather be without mushroom juice for a week than kissin' that. Nope.

She snaps me out of my thoughts and back to reality with a… growl? Coo? Hiss? How does lizards sound like? Chirp? I'll just go with that for now.

" _I'm sososo sorry but they had bows and swords and axes and they poked me! I was so scared!"_ I know that she'd never really leave me forever. She is simply cowardly. We need to get that fixed somehow. I already suggested shrooms, but she ain't eating them, for some reason. Weirdo.

She is butting her head into my chest now, coos (?) escaping her. I ain't gonna let her suffer no more. I really can't.

"Fine fine you overgrown chicken, but if you does that one more time I am leaving you to fend for yourself!" We both know that that's not true, but I still say it. And she still runs.

A smile is on her face now and she is licking my face like a dog that has a kissin' fetish. As long as she isn't biting me, I am fine with it though. Drakolops saliva makes for a great fur conditioner.

"Well... now what?" We can either rest or continue to roam for the day. I am hungry though... Haven't had a proper meal since a day and a half ago.

Skaarl, who I bet is readin' my mind even though I know that I am hallucinating that she talks, beams up even more, if that is possible, and yells right at my face _"TACOS!_ ". And I must admit that that is a good idea, but it has one flaw. We have to go to the city for that. I hate that place, but for the love of tacos, I'ds do it.

"Sounds good to me!" I climb up on Skaarl and she takes off at breakneck speed. "But first, we kill the ones that ran away!"

She gave a cry of approval and together we rode in the direction of the city, a trail of dust behind us. Yells and cries from the soldiers in front of me, like music to my ears.


End file.
